Darkthorn’s Blog

Food / Eating Disorders

I just ate a muffin.
A perfectly harmless blueberry muffin.
Now I can taste the bile in my mouth.
The churning of my stomach.
I don’t even know why I am afflicted like this.
I can barely breathe,
Shallow, gasping breaths providing me with my required oxygen.
The computer screen glares brightly
In my vision, shimmering as I try to focus.

It’s not worth it.
Struggling like this, and for what?
Oh yes, him.
It all comes back to him.
He’s the only reason I’m still alive.
I should have died before now.
Feel sick and tired all of the time.
Must escape.

It’s not worth living, suffering.
I have nothing to contribute to the world
These useless mumblings.
Most of which should never see the light of day.
Why would anyone want to read my story?
Except for the fact that it has been written down.
They can see what is going on in my head.

I’m doubled over in pain and sickness.
It’s not even reasonable that I am like this.
There is no reason in this stupid world.
We are all going to die.
What happens in the middle is inconsequential.
We all live, we all die.
But what I am feeling is not living.
I get through each day, I don’t know how.
I feel sick all of the time.

Throat is dry.
Mouth is dry.
Tongue is taking up the entirety of my mouth.

He’s trying to talk me out of it again.
Just because I’m suicidal doesn’t mean I will actually succeed.
Don’t you see that I just have to make it stop?
That I can’t live with feeling
Like this every second of the day?
It’s not worth it anyway.
You can’t pay me to stay now.
I’m not living.

I can’t eat.
I used to love eating.
Now I can barely taste the food.
I have to swallow constantly
Try to keep the food that I have had down.
One measly muffin.
How can it cause so much pain?
I doubt I’m allergic to it.
One thing is for sure,
I will never again be able to eat one.

God this sucks.
What is the point?
I repeat myself again.
I really can’t see the point.

Sure,
To live,
To love him.
To have a life together,
To love each other.
Yet still,
My mind says no.
I say no.

I can take no pleasure with this life.
The sickness will take me.
I will not eat.
I will starve to death.
Suicide the slow and painful way.

This isn’t fair.
What did I ever do to deserve this?

Seeing a doctor to deal with my problems.
She thinks maybe I’m depressed.
She used the d word.
Oh my god, how scary.
Like anyone cares.
Such a common thing in this fucked up world of ours.

So tired.
It’s not worth it.

Everyone else.
I’m not alone apparently.
Wants me to tell my parents.
As if.
I have left it
Several suicide attempts
Too late.
As I write,
The soreness in my wrist won’t go away.
I can feel it throbbing.

So alone amongst these people.
That’s something else she says I should do.
But so much of their interaction is centered on food.
Eating.
Going out for lunch.
When the though of food makes me feel sick.
That muffin is stuck in my throat.
It’s not worth it.
So much suffering.
I don’t think I can live like this any longer.
Must find a way to end this.

I don’t want to be alone again.
I would rather die first.

By killing myself,
I would never have to face feeling sick all the time.
I wouldn’t have to face any rejection from him.
Even though he says he will never leave me.
But he will die too.
Then will I be?
Alone.
And lonely.
But not dead.
He can’t control his death.
But I can control mine.
Better to die while I am happy.

Life.
Will never be the same.

Fruitlessly swallowing,
My throat is too dry.
Wish I was dying.
Maybe I am dying.
I feel cold,
Everything is trying to escape.
I can’t think,
My head is going to explode;
I can’t breath,
My throat feels sticky.

Goodbye.

Experimental stream of consciousness poem. Do we like? We don’t like typos, so tell me!

~ Darkthorn